


Wishes and dreams

by killerweasel



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-01 05:32:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2761448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerweasel/pseuds/killerweasel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing’s going to be okay, everything’s beyond fucked up right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wishes and dreams

Title: Wishes and dreams  
Character(s): Lindsey McDonald, Angel  
Rating: R  
A/N: AU during _Epiphany_  
Word Count: 720  
Summary: Nothing’s going to be okay, everything’s beyond fucked up right now. 

**Wishes and dreams**

I’m breathing hard and that red haze that seems to have covered everything is slowly starting to recede again. My fingers tighten on the handle of the hammer and I wonder if I have it in me to bring it down one more time. Crushing his skull with it has crossed my mind a couple of times, but that would make this come to an end. He hasn’t moved, but I doubt that he’s quite as stunned from the attack as it looks like.

Letting it fall from fingers that have gone numb, I reach into my pocket for the stake I put there weeks ago. There are more in the truck, but if I leave this spot, he’s going to win. Once he gets up, I’m going to be in a whole world of hurt. I turn it over in my hand a couple of times and it feels a hell of a lot heavier than it should. When I see his fingers twitch, I crouch down next to him.

Can I do it? Can I really end what he started months ago? He’s supposed to be one of the good guys, a Champion of the Powers That Be, the vampire with a soul, and yet... he’s just as tainted as I am. We walk on both sides of the path, constantly crossing back and forth as it suits our purposes. Nothing is just black and white, it’s shades of grey, shadows, or shrouded in fog.

I saved the children, helped to kill the woman I cared about in order to save her, but I can’t save myself. How do you know when you’re a lost cause? How do you know when it’s time to throw in the towel or simply run away? My chest feels tight, almost like I can’t breathe. Too much pressure, it’s all too hard, too fast, too painful, and I know it isn’t his fault, but he always seems to be there when I sink just a little bit lower.

His eyes flutter open and focus on the stake in my hand. It would be so easy to slam it through his chest. All I need to do is just lean over and put my weight behind it. The tip is already tearing through the material in his shirt. A little more pressure and he’ll be gone.

He goes very still and the world seems to be holding its breath, waiting to see if I can go through with this or not. I know he can snap my arm or my neck before I act, and yet he’s not doing a damn thing. My fingers start to shake. If I was going to do this, I would have done it already.

His hand comes up, wrapping gently around my arm, and the stake falls from my fingers. The sound it makes as it clatters on the asphalt seems louder than thunder. Something inside of me is starting to crumble, starting to shatter, and I don’t think I’m going to be okay. The shaking has spread, working its way through my body until I’m trembling like a newborn colt.

I don’t even notice he’s moved until his body is wrapped around my own. He’s murmuring something softly, almost soothingly, trying to help calm me down. I want to tell him he should just leave me here and walk away because I’m not something that can be saved. I’m lost, so damn lost that I can’t even find myself in the mirror any more.

We sit for a while, with him just holding onto me. When he helps me to my feet, I feel a hell of a lot older than I am and completely drained of energy. He says something about needing to help his friends and I just nod. That’s what he does when he walks on the lighter side of the path; he helps the people who need it.

The ride is almost silent, with him asking me a couple of questions. I can’t answer though; my words seem to have vanished. He tells me that everything will be fine and it takes a lot of effort not to laugh. Nothing’s going to be okay, everything’s beyond fucked up right now. This isn’t a butterfly’s worth of chaos; it’s much more than that.


End file.
